Private & Confidential

Quennie

Before the jokes, before the hearts, before any of the paperwork — the first thing I noticed was the way you carry yourself.

Everything since has mostly been me trying to keep up.

Section One

Performance Review

You've known about the twenty hearts since the beginning. You have never once asked to see the file. So.

Employee Review Record REF TN-0821
Employee
Quennie
Position under review
Girlfriend
Reviewing manager
Tay Tay
Review period
First conversation – present
Status
Under Review

Life-lines Issued — 20

    Audit in progress. Full deductions pending review of the record below.

    Exhibit A — The Jacket

    What does the T stand for?

    T.NEELY BSN
    HerWhat does the T stand for?
    HimI dont know yanno. I think it stands for Te'Vaughn.
    She laughed and I've been chasing that laugh ever since.
    HimWhat does the Q stand for?
    HerQuentinique. With a Q.

    Exhibit B — The Verdict

    "He's a baby. I don't do babies."

    KBDr. Rolle, I think he has a crush on you.
    QuentiniqueHe's a baby. I don't do babies.
    Four years. That was the whole objection.
    HimNoted. Filed. Brought up again roughly three months later, on a date, with you at Kyma.

    Exhibit C — The Interview

    The work husband opening

    HerI want a work husband.
    HimOkay. What's the compensation? The benefits?
    HerI dont know
    HimThat's fine. I've had some time to think about it.

    Section Two

    Final Tally

    Audit complete. Nineteen deductions on the record. The ones I wrote up are available for review.

    Deduction Summary REF TN-0821

    Life-lines Remaining

      Select any broken life-line to review the deduction.
      Remaining
      1
      Required
      10
      Result
      Does not meet

      One of twenty. Requirement is ten. Which means, on paper, by the standard I set myself, you miss it by nine.

      Reviewing manager has reviewed the other candidates.

      There are no other candidates.

      Life-lines restored to twenty. Effective immediately.

      Section Three

      Offer of Position
      Issued 21 August 2026 · Kyma
      To
      Quennie
      From
      Tay Tay

      Following a thorough and completely biased review, we are pleased to extend an offer for the position of:

      Position
      Girlfriend
      Start date
      Immediately upon acceptance
      Term
      Indefinite. No intention to revisit.
      Reports to
      No one. Partnership structure.
      Location
      Wherever you are, generally

      Compensation

      • Undivided attention, paid daily, in full, no deferral.
      • Peonies — unannounced, and without requiring an occasion.
      • Signing bonus: the good side of the bed, in perpetuity.
      • Meals prepared by somebody who memorized what you actually like, not what you said you liked once.
      • One laminated card bearing the correct spelling of my full name. Keep it on you.
      • The last word, most of the time. Negotiable. Will not be negotiated.

      Benefits

      • Full medical. Staffed by a nurse who is already personally invested in the outcome.
      • Night-shift coverage. Somebody awake at three in the morning who genuinely wants to hear about your day. Falling asleep on the call is permitted and, at this point, expected.
      • On-call support — 24 hours, no rotation, nobody covering for me.
      • Sass tolerated. Encouraged, if we are being honest. It is most of the appeal.
      • Paid time off: unlimited. Travel now requires joint approval, which is my way of asking to come with you.
      • Late replies forgiven at a rate of two per week. The phone will be assumed to be working.
      • Life-lines reset to twenty annually. Enforcement has always been selective and we both know it.
      • Retirement plan: long-term. Vesting begins immediately.
      • Age clause waived. The four years were reviewed in full and formally dismissed. The baby has grown up somewhat.

      You asked once what the compensation and benefits would be, and I didn't have an answer either. I do now.

      Tay Tay
      Reviewing Manager
      Quennie
      Candidate

      The Ask

      So — formally, with the paperwork out of the way: Will you be my girlfriend?

      That one isn't really an option.